Lessons from unattractive blubbery tears

As many of you know last weekend I surprised Serge with a night away. Yes, I know what you are all thinking I am the one with cancer, I should be treated to surprise weekend’s away… I joke!! You all know what an amazing man Serge is and that he is very deserving of a weekend away. If money grew on trees Serge would be treated to lots of surprises – we can only dream!

Serge and I have had a pretty hectic last few months with my sinuses playing up and Serge has been busy with work. We have both been a little bit low and getting a bit narky at each other. We haven't had much time to be madly in love. We always try and spend our free days together and do something special, but this just hasn’t happened. And since the purchase of our little humble abode, planning our next big adventure seems a bit irresponsible. However, having an adventure on our horizon in many ways keeps us going, in particular me – it gives me something tangible to focus on. Once again, if only money grew on trees…

At the beginning of last week I was very much aware that I needed to do something special for Serge and remind him how much I love him. So off I went booking a little romantic weekend escape and it was so fun surprising him with our bags packed and instructions to drive south.

 My romantic plans for the weekend did take a bit of a turn when I turned into an emotional wreck – typical Emma! We were sitting on the beach together and we were surrounded by young families – parents introducing their baby to the beach for the first time, parents running after their children in attempt to stop them eating their body weight in sand, and those annoying parents that feel the need to make every occasion a photography session and catch those ‘I totally didn’t realise you were taking a picture of me moment’. I digress.  At the sight of all this happiness, I burst into tears.

It was that really unattractive blubbery tears and me stuttering the words that Serge too often hears – ‘I want to have a baby’.

Did these tears ruin our weekend? No – I honestly think I needed them.

I now have had terminal cancer for over 18 months and since ditching the ‘live in the moment’ and ‘make every moment count’ attitude, we have been able to live a relatively normal life and life does indeed go on. There is not a day where I forget about cancer and all the emotions that come with it, but I am able to keep on going and get on with it. I have a routine that does not leave time to dwell and cry.

And on top of that, my overriding way of coping is to accept my terminal prognosis and my friends and family are very used to me talking (often joking) about death. This in no way means that I have given up or am at a point of acceptance where I am immune to the emotions, but I do stay strong and often don’t allow myself those moments of blubbery tears.

Like I said, I think I needed these tears last weekend. It took going away and stopping our normal routine to allow these tears to appear, but I think there is a lesson there for me. Although I want my life to be as normal as possible, I need to take time to breath, relax and reflect. I need to allow myself the time to be sad and to cry about the things that I am and will miss out on. I need to make sure that my emotions and anger about the situation does not build inside, because that is when it starts to impact relationships and my ability to not be angry at the world.

Serge and I also need to have something to look forward to. I think having our routine is fantastic in keeping normality in our life, but I also think we need something to look forward to – something to keep me going. The last 18 months I have had certain events that I hoped that I would be alive for and in a way it kept me well. We had our wedding, the birth of my sister’s baby, my birthday, overseas holidays and many more.

Serge and I need to sit down and talk about what is next. What can we look forward to? 

Another holiday?
A new niece or nephew?
Maybe start studying again?
A second wedding? (Trying to convince Serge that we need to renew our vows, help a lady out people!!!)

So, my task is to allow more time to reflect and let the blubbery tears out, and to find a money tree so we can plan our next adventure.