Last night Serge broke my heart a little bit…
Let me set the scene. I am in bed watching half (more like three quarter) naked men in Magic Mike – a girl has to prepare herself adequately for the sequel. Serge wanders in with his shirt tucked into his tracksuit pants that are sitting above his belly button – hot! We both laugh at the irony and I think to myself, ‘where did I go wrong?!?’
Only joking! Although that did indeed happen, that is not the moment where my heart broke a little bit. It was the moment following the belly laughs. Serge stops and tells me, ‘I wish I could be married to you forever.’
Just writing these words bring tears my eyes. Life can be really shitty and really unfair!
Serge doesn’t often make comments like this. Instead we make very inappropriate jokes about me dying and that is how we deal with everything and it works most of the time. But, there are not many occasions where Serge lets me hear his heartbreak for what is to come.
Serge and I will be married for ‘my forever’, but it won’t be ‘his forever’. He has a long future without me ahead of him. I often forget, or maybe I ignore, the fact that the idea of a future without me is scary and unimaginable for him.
I have it easy. Yes, I have to experience the pain and grief that comes with dying, but when I do die, that’s it; I don’t have to deal with the loss. It is the people left behind that are faced with the true heartbreak.
I am going to keep this blog post short and sweet and not spend more time discussing Serge’s emotions about the future because I could never do it justice – I don’t know what it is like to be on the other side of this situation. But there are two phrases that Serge and I always go back to:
Always and forever
Piglet: ‘How do you spell ‘love’? Pooh: ‘You don’t spell it, you feel it’.
Our love will be always and forever. Our love will live on after I pass. I may not be here forever, but the memory of me won’t be going anywhere – I will make sure of it!
And for now, Serge and I are going to love each other (in between standard marriage spats, of course!) and treasure our time together.
I am normally not one that relates to music and the lyrics, but Meghan Trainor and John Legends new song is very wise.
So I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna hold you
Like I'm saying goodbye wherever we're standing
I won't take you for granted 'cause we'll never know when
When we'll run out of time so I'm gonna love you
Like I'm gonna lose you
I'm gonna love you like I'm gonna lose you
Promise me that you will go and give that special someone a big kiss and hug.
Love hard – life is too short not to.