I am scared shitless.
I haven’t been blogging much lately. One part of this is that I am crazy busy, but the other part is being too scared to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys). There is something about writing, and further, publishing it on the blog and making it public to the thousands of people that read each blog post, that makes things real. It makes my fears real.
On the 22 September, I wrote a blog post ‘Good News and Bad News’ which marked the beginning of a stressful 3 months of scans. I have kept you somewhat updated on the Dear Melanoma Facebook page and Instagram page, but I have not kept you in the loop like I normally would.
Read MorePavlova
As you all know, I am obsessed with Pavlova. As my ‘quasi-bucket list’ states – if Pavlova is on the menu at a restaurant, I must order it.
I am a Pavlova snob. I am a traditionalist – no chocolate allowed and no Coles pre-made bases! I also have very high standards for myself when it comes to baking a Pavlova. The pressure and stress I feel when a Pavlova is in the oven is ridiculous!
Read MoreFor those of you that follow the Dear Melanoma Facebook Page and Instagram page, you would know that a few weeks ago it was my birthday. I was very much looking forward to the day/week and was excited (like the 23 birthdays prior), but instead I was gifted with an emotional break down.
My break down was not because I didn’t get lots of love from my family and friends. It wasn’t because certain family members or friends could not be there to celebrate.
Instead, it was 100% my fault – I put too much pressure on this celebration. I put too much pressure on making memories. I put too much pressure on making sure that this birthday was worthy of being potentially my last.
Read MoreI never thought that I would so casually say, ‘as long as its not cancer, I can manage’ or ‘it is better than the alternative – dying’. However, this has become my reality. It has become my mantra this week.
As those that follow the Dear Melanoma Facebook Page would know, I have had a bit of a rough trot emotionally. However, this last week I have had some scans and tests that fall outside my normal scheduled trial scans. Enter stress, fear, worry and absolute panic mode.
The last month I have been Ms Twitchy McTwitch. I randomly developed a twitch that is the epitome of annoying. Most (lets be honest, pretty much everyone) that I mentioned it to felt the need to share their story of how they often have twitches and it is due to stress or fatigue. I am very well aware that this may be the case as it is not the first twitch that I have had in my almost 24 years, but what sets my special twitch apart is the fact that I have CANCER – CANCER IN MY BRAIN. For me, it is not quite so easy to dismiss it as just fatigue or stress, but instead I fear that this may be an indicator that something is happening in that brain of mine or potentially could be a sign that the cancer has spread to my spinal chord.
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